In February, I started running again. I say “again” because I ran cross country for my school in 8^th grade, then again in 10^th grade – and I ran on my own for a few years after that. But in college I didn’t run with any regularity at all, until February.

I have mentioned before on this site that one of my best friends, Josh, died in December of last year. What I don’t think I have mentioned is that before that he was my running buddy. We ran cross country together in 10^th grade, then we both decided to quit the team. Both of us were slow for our age and gender and decided that the competitive side of running wasn’t our thing. But afterwards we continued to run together. In 11^th and 12^th grades we would often run together after school, then after we finished we would sit in my car or his and talk for hours about everything. We never ran far, just a few miles at a time. And it was never competitive. He would slow his pace for me and encourage me when I was pushing my endurance. Sometimes he would forget his running shoes so he would run barefoot by my side.

Even after high school, after I had basically stopped running, he was my running buddy. When I came home from California for Christmas in Oklahoma after freshmen year he was my constant companion. I don’t really know how he got me to run, but he did. In fact he convinced me to ride bikes with him to the river, run a mile, then ride bikes to his grandmother’s house to hang out. We did all sorts of things that break: baking cookies at his mom’s house, visiting Katie in the hospital, taking his dog to the park, eating at Steaks n’ Shakes with Brett… he even taught my dad a few songs on the guitar. But I will never forget the last time we ran together.

Josh died just a little before my second Christmas break of college. We had emailed a little before and talked about hanging out again like we did the year before. Of course we didn’t get to live out our plans, and in fact the entire trip home was a time for grieving for me, as it was for so many of the people who Josh touched while he was alive. Even when I returned to school in January I was still very withdrawn.

But in February I decided to start running again. I hadn’t run since the last time I ran with Josh, which was over a year, so I had to start very slow. But as I ran I couldn’t help but remember Josh. He always encouraged me as we ran together, and now I could hear his words of encouragement in my head as I ran alone. He always pushed himself to run faster and farther – if only to prove to himself that he could – and that encouraged me to run farther than I ever have. Running helped clear his mind and give him peace during his parent’s divorce, and it also helped me push past my anger and sadness at losing him in my life. Running helped me reconnect to Josh, and then it helped me say goodbye.

I have continued to run and I am at this point running faster and farther than I ever ran for my team in high school. Over the years running has been transformed in my mind. At one point I viewed it as punishment, then it became something competitive, then a way to lose weight, then an activity to do with a friend. It helped me say goodbye to that friend. And now it is something that belongs to me, like I think it belonged to Josh. It is a way for me to challenge myself and feel strong, and it is a way for me to let go of the things that would otherwise weigh me down to the point of crushing me.

I plan to continue running, and I hope that for the rest of my life it will remind me of a friend who used to run with me. But I am also glad that I have been able to reclaim running back for myself. It is no longer about winning or losing weight, and it is no longer about death. It is about healing, strength, and freedom – and it is about life.