I haven’t written anything about it here, but a lot of things have been going on in my life lately:

Mid-December, I was told that a girl I knew in high school – Bethany Swift – died in a car accident. Bethany and I weren’t close, she was a year behind me in school, but we knew each other pretty well. My school was small and we kind of ran in the same circles. Her death really shook me up. She was the first person I knew who died besides my great-grandma. And she was so young and full of life, a really great person with a huge heart. I cried myself to sleep for 3 days.

A little while later, maybe two weeks later, I received the worst phone call of my life thus far. My best guy friend from high school, Josh Lantz, was in a canoeing accident and died. I was hysterical when I got the call. I still don’t know why I screamed like I did. The next day I booked a flight home to Oklahoma to spend a few days. One memorial service in particular, the one at my friend Rachel’s house, helped me a lot. It was good to be around people who knew Josh and to talk about his life. I went to the funeral home and saw his body. I kissed his forehead – I knew I would always regret it if I didn’t. That week I made a list of all of the fun times I had with Josh that I wanted to remember. The list is pages long now. I also started writing Josh a letter, but I couldn’t get through it. After the funeral, I flew home to California and took my finals.

Josh’s death was devastating to me. I loved him so much. We had plans to hang out over Christmas break. I’m not even close to being okay about it yet. I am really angry that he went canoeing in flood waters when there was snow on the ground. I’m so sad that I won’t get to see him again. I just wish that I could see him one more time, get one more hug. I wish that I could talk to him about how hard things have been. He was always so happy on the outside, but he knew loneliness. He knew what its like to helplessly watch your family fall apart. And he was always the best person to talk to.

I’m crying right now writing this. I miss him so much.

A day after Josh died, my friend Kelsey was in a freak car accident. I don’t know what I would have done if she had died. I am so thankful that she is okay and that she is making such a speedy recovery to normalcy. Kelsey and I aren’t very close anymore, but we were best friends in high school. There was a year where we saw each other every day in class then every weekend too. In the accident, her car rolled over her in a snow storm and she was stuck under it for hours. Finally, someone saw her and called for help – but when the fire truck arrived it slid on some ice and hit the car that she was trapped under. Its really a miracle that she is alive. I am so glad that she is alive.

Christmas break was weird for me. It was good to be at home. I visited Kelsey, I had a party, I saw some friends from school. I spent a lot of time with my family. It was a healing time, but it was also a really sad time because Josh wasn’t around and Kelsey was in the hospital. And my mom and step-dad didn’t really seem okay… they put on a show, but Mom especially made me a little uneasy…

So I shouldn’t have been surprised that about 3 weeks into the new semester Mom called me to tell me that she and Dad (Bob, my step-dad, whom I have called “Dad” since I was 9 or 10) are getting a divorce. When she called me the first time, I wasn’t around so she left a message to call her. For some reason I thought that it was going to be bad news, and I told my boyfriend so. He thought I was being paranoid only because I am still shaken up about Josh, but it turns out that I was right. Maybe I could tell by my mom’s voice. She isn’t very good at hiding secrets.

This is my mom’s 3^rd divorce, so maybe I shouldn’t be too upset. But Mom and Dad used to be so happy. Dad was something stable in my life since my mom’s first divorce with my father. I mean, I call him “Dad.”

Dad says that he wants to continue playing an active role in my life. In fact, he is coming to Cali for business next week and I am going to see him while he is here. But I am also losing 3 siblings, a nephew, my favorite uncles, and my favorite cousin. I am losing this great extended family that has meant the world to me for almost 10 years. And, my half-siblings, Rylan and Baylor, have to go through all the shit that I went through when I was around their age. Though, I might not need to be as worried about them as about Conor. Conor is 15; Dad has been a part of Conor’s life since he can remember. I heard from Mom today that he is really shaken. I should call him.

Then, this week, on Wednesday, my friend Tito came into mine and Matt’s room in the morning to talk. I was only half-awake when Tito said that our friend William Wagoner had died. It was a ruptured cerebral aneurysm. He was just sitting in his room, talking to his roommate and lifelong friend, when he had a sudden bad headache and passed out. I didn’t know Will very well, but he was in my life a lot. He hung out with my group of friends and he took science classes with me. He was in my physics class this semester.

Will’s memorial service was yesterday. It was really nice, really uplifting. Will was an incredible guy. He was one of the nicest people I have known, very funny, very smart, and a great athlete. The memorial service was sad, because it was a time to grieve that we won’t be making anymore memories with Will – but it was also a celebration. I left the service thinking that somehow Will had crammed a whole life into just 20 years.

Labels: death, divorce