It is a widely known fact, at least for people who are acquainted with me, that I identify as bisexual. I also call myself a vegetarian, an agnostic, a Democrat, a scientist, and an existentialist – but no one self-label gives people more pause than the fact that I call myself bisexual.

When I say my sexual orientation gives people pause, I mean that they are more interested in it or taken aback by it than by any other one fact. I am not talking about homophobia – that is a completely different issue. I don’t think that homophobia is the reason that people hesitate when I mention that I am bisexual; in fact I don’t think that I have come in contact with many people who are actually bothered/offended or upset that I am bisexual… people just seem to be surprised, or something. They seem surprised and unsure of how to respond.

Though I have many friends (mostly Christian friends from home) who consider homosexuality to be a sin or otherwise wrong, even these people don’t seem to be afraid or angry that I am bi. They don’t treat me differently once they find out; they don’t yell at me or try to convert me to heterosexuality. They aren’t hateful in the slightest. They just might tilt their head and ask, “really?” Then they might have a few more questions or be a little bit awkward and/or unsure.

And for me this is an okay response, though I don’t know if the rest of the queer population agrees with me.

Aside: At home in Oklahoma, as with many other parts of the US, the word “queer” is not politically correct and it is not generally considered a nice thing to call someone. In fact I would argue that the word “queer” is second only to “fag” as one of the most offensive names to call someone who identifies as homosexual or bisexual. Here in Claremont, however, queer is the word that is used to generally identify anyone who is gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual, transgender, or otherwise not a straight male or female. It is not considered an offensive word by those who are queer or by those who use the word queer.

I am involved in a few queer groups at my school – namely the Queer Questioning and Allied Mentor Program and the Women on Women discussion group – and I have found that among the people who are involved in those organizations I am by far the most comfortable with the fact that people are uncomfortable with homosexuality. Simply: I am not offended when people are put-off by my sexual orientation. Sometimes other queer people (mainly people who are from California) freak out and throw a hissy-fit when someone they know implies that he or she is loosely uncomfortable with the queer person’s sexuality. To me, this is just silly.

I mean, I agree that it is nice for sexuality to be a non-issue, but the fact is that our era is in flux between being adverse to homosexuality and being okay with homosexuality. Maybe it comes from the fact that I am from Oklahoma, but for me it is a step in the right direction to not be persecuted for my sexuality. I would prefer to be accepted with open arms by everyone I come in contact with, but I also understand that non-straight sexuality is something new and unfamiliar for many Americans and I appreciate it when they try to be friendly and respectful despite their discomfort. In fact, I am more appreciative of people who are mildly homophobic but try to overcome it than I am of people who aren’t bothered at all by the disclosure of sexual orientation.

So to all of you who are uncomfortable with homosexuality but who attempt to be open-minded, friendly, and respectful: Thank you.

Now…

Everything that I have mentioned so far applies to the fact that I am not straight. These are issues that anyone who is gay, lesbian, or otherwise non-heterosexual deals with and thinks about at some point. But, as there are issues that are distinct to gay men and others distinct to lesbian women, there are several issues that are distinct only to bisexuals.

First, I have been told many times that it is “popular” right now for people – especially girls – to be bisexual. I agree it may be a trend that female teeny boppers are more likely than before to make out with their girlfriends in order to get attention from a guy, but I also think that this is probably an isolated fad or (for some girls) an opportunity to experiment with sexual orientation without stigma. But I also think that just because bisexuality may be considered momentarily “popular” it shouldn’t be dismissed as illegitimate. I think it is ignorant to disregard a sexual orientation because it seems to be more common.

Similarly, a few people in my life seem to hold the idea that bisexuality is merely a rest-stop on the journey to homosexuality. I will admit that for some people it is easier to go from in the closet to out of the closet by identifying as bi for some time, and I will admit that I know people who have taken this route to being out as homosexual. But I also know that there is a population who actually identifies as bisexual, and that I am part of this population. For some bisexuals this means that they are equally attracted to both genders, for some it means that they are attracted to certain people regardless of gender, and for others it means that though they generally prefer one gender they are also open to dating specific people from the other gender. In all cases, they are neither homosexual nor heterosexual – they are bisexual. And again, this is legitimate.

I could address other misconceptions about bisexuals such as “they are all nymphomaniacs” (by the way: we are not) or “they cannot be monogamous” (by the way: we can and usually are), but those are better saved for another conversation.

The final issue that I would like to discuss is an issue that is absolutely distinct to bisexuals: we are too queer for straight people and too straight for queer people.

When I say “too queer for straight people” I don’t mean that straight people shun us, blah blah blah. This is obviously not the case. What I mean is that when I am talking to my guy friends and I agree with one of them that a girl is very attractive, the feel of the conversation shifts. Similarly, if I were to talk about “a guy I kissed this one time” that is completely different from talking about “a girl I kissed.” Either way I am usually met with “but don’t you have a boyfriend?” and I have to explain “yes, I am bi.”

Likewise, when I am at Women on Women, which is a discussion group for queer women, I fit in just fine until the moment I say “yeah, my boyfriend and I do that all the time.” Suddenly, there is a shift – or at least an awkward pause – and I feel as if I have broken the law. It is only partially alleviated when meekly I tack on “I’m bi.”

Specifically when I am around queer people I feel almost guilty for being bi. I know that most of my queer friends don’t actually think this, but I feel like they are mad that I could pretend to be straight if I wanted to (though generally that is not something I try to do). It’s like they are jealous that if I am with my boyfriend people don’t stare because they just assume I am straight. But if I were dating a girl right now I would be in the same boat as my queer friends even though I like men too. One of my bi friends said it well when she said “it’s even worse with lesbians because with them being bi and dating a guy is like sleeping with the enemy.”

I know it’s unrealistic and idyllic, but I would prefer it if bisexuals could be the liaisons between straights and queers, to bridge the stigma gap that separates people of different sexual orientation. Instead, since we almost fit into each camp we are not allowed to participate fully in either. I don’t claim to know because I am as white as white can be, but sometimes I wonder if being bisexual is all that different than being biracial in some ways.

Anyway, I wish I had a better closing (maybe I will think of one later). These are just some things I have been thinking about of late and I thought I would share.

Labels: bisexuality