Shayna Williams is a Neuroscience major at Claremont McKenna College in Southern California. Eventually, she would like to conduct scientific research involving the role of genetics and brain fuction as they relate to human psychological and neurological disorders -- but right now she is just trying to put together her thoughts on the world.
For the record:
-I now consider myself atheist, not agnostic.
-I am still a neuroscientist, and even more immersed in the neuroscience community. In fact I think I'll keep this blog username just in case I want to reclaim it later.
-I am not posting on this blog anymore. All my new posts can be found here:
Shayna Unaltered
In February, I started running again. I say “again” because I ran cross country for my school in 8th grade, then again in 10th grade – and I ran on my own for a few years after that. But in college I didn’t run with any regularity at all, until February.
I have mentioned before on this site that one of my best friends, Josh, died in December of last year. What I don’t think I have mentioned is that before that he was my running buddy. We ran cross country together in 10th grade, then we both decided to quit the team. Both of us were slow for our age and gender and decided that the competitive side of running wasn’t our thing. But afterwards we continued to run together. In 11th and 12th grades we would often run together after school, then after we finished we would sit in my car or his and talk for hours about everything. We never ran far, just a few miles at a time. And it was never competitive. He would slow his pace for me and encourage me when I was pushing my endurance. Sometimes he would forget his running shoes so he would run barefoot by my side.
Even after high school, after I had basically stopped running, he was my running buddy. When I came home from
Josh died just a little before my second Christmas break of college. We had emailed a little before and talked about hanging out again like we did the year before. Of course we didn’t get to live out our plans, and in fact the entire trip home was a time for grieving for me, as it was for so many of the people who Josh touched while he was alive. Even when I returned to school in January I was still very withdrawn.
But in February I decided to start running again. I hadn’t run since the last time I ran with Josh, which was over a year, so I had to start very slow. But as I ran I couldn’t help but remember Josh. He always encouraged me as we ran together, and now I could hear his words of encouragement in my head as I ran alone. He always pushed himself to run faster and farther – if only to prove to himself that he could – and that encouraged me to run farther than I ever have. Running helped clear his mind and give him peace during his parent’s divorce, and it also helped me push past my anger and sadness at losing him in my life. Running helped me reconnect to Josh, and then it helped me say goodbye.
I have continued to run and I am at this point running faster and farther than I ever ran for my team in high school. Over the years running has been transformed in my mind. At one point I viewed it as punishment, then it became something competitive, then a way to lose weight, then an activity to do with a friend. It helped me say goodbye to that friend. And now it is something that belongs to me, like I think it belonged to Josh. It is a way for me to challenge myself and feel strong, and it is a way for me to let go of the things that would otherwise weigh me down to the point of crushing me.
I plan to continue running, and I hope that for the rest of my life it will remind me of a friend who used to run with me. But I am also glad that I have been able to reclaim running back for myself. It is no longer about winning or losing weight, and it is no longer about death. It is about healing, strength, and freedom – and it is about life.
It is a widely known fact, at least for people who are acquainted with me, that I identify as bisexual. I also call myself a vegetarian, an agnostic, a Democrat, a scientist, and an existentialist – but no one self-label gives people more pause than the fact that I call myself bisexual.
When I say my sexual orientation gives people pause, I mean that they are more interested in it or taken aback by it than by any other one fact. I am not talking about homophobia – that is a completely different issue. I don’t think that homophobia is the reason that people hesitate when I mention that I am bisexual; in fact I don’t think that I have come in contact with many people who are actually bothered/offended or upset that I am bisexual… people just seem to be surprised, or something. They seem surprised and unsure of how to respond.
Though I have many friends (mostly Christian friends from home) who consider homosexuality to be a sin or otherwise wrong, even these people don’t seem to be afraid or angry that I am bi. They don’t treat me differently once they find out; they don’t yell at me or try to convert me to heterosexuality. They aren’t hateful in the slightest. They just might tilt their head and ask, “really?” Then they might have a few more questions or be a little bit awkward and/or unsure.
And for me this is an okay response, though I don’t know if the rest of the queer population agrees with me.
Aside: At home in Oklahoma, as with many other parts of the US, the word “queer” is not politically correct and it is not generally considered a nice thing to call someone. In fact I would argue that the word “queer” is second only to “fag” as one of the most offensive names to call someone who identifies as homosexual or bisexual. Here in
I am involved in a few queer groups at my school – namely the Queer Questioning and Allied Mentor Program and the Women on Women discussion group – and I have found that among the people who are involved in those organizations I am by far the most comfortable with the fact that people are uncomfortable with homosexuality. Simply: I am not offended when people are put-off by my sexual orientation. Sometimes other queer people (mainly people who are from
I mean, I agree that it is nice for sexuality to be a non-issue, but the fact is that our era is in flux between being adverse to homosexuality and being okay with homosexuality. Maybe it comes from the fact that I am from
So to all of you who are uncomfortable with homosexuality but who attempt to be open-minded, friendly, and respectful: Thank you.
Now…
Everything that I have mentioned so far applies to the fact that I am not straight. These are issues that anyone who is gay, lesbian, or otherwise non-heterosexual deals with and thinks about at some point. But, as there are issues that are distinct to gay men and others distinct to lesbian women, there are several issues that are distinct only to bisexuals.
First, I have been told many times that it is “popular” right now for people – especially girls – to be bisexual. I agree it may be a trend that female teeny boppers are more likely than before to make out with their girlfriends in order to get attention from a guy, but I also think that this is probably an isolated fad or (for some girls) an opportunity to experiment with sexual orientation without stigma. But I also think that just because bisexuality may be considered momentarily “popular” it shouldn’t be dismissed as illegitimate. I think it is ignorant to disregard a sexual orientation because it seems to be more common.
Similarly, a few people in my life seem to hold the idea that bisexuality is merely a rest-stop on the journey to homosexuality. I will admit that for some people it is easier to go from in the closet to out of the closet by identifying as bi for some time, and I will admit that I know people who have taken this route to being out as homosexual. But I also know that there is a population who actually identifies as bisexual, and that I am part of this population. For some bisexuals this means that they are equally attracted to both genders, for some it means that they are attracted to certain people regardless of gender, and for others it means that though they generally prefer one gender they are also open to dating specific people from the other gender. In all cases, they are neither homosexual nor heterosexual – they are bisexual. And again, this is legitimate.
I could address other misconceptions about bisexuals such as “they are all nymphomaniacs” (by the way: we are not) or “they cannot be monogamous” (by the way: we can and usually are), but those are better saved for another conversation.
The final issue that I would like to discuss is an issue that is absolutely distinct to bisexuals: we are too queer for straight people and too straight for queer people.
When I say “too queer for straight people” I don’t mean that straight people shun us, blah blah blah. This is obviously not the case. What I mean is that when I am talking to my guy friends and I agree with one of them that a girl is very attractive, the feel of the conversation shifts. Similarly, if I were to talk about “a guy I kissed this one time” that is completely different from talking about “a girl I kissed.” Either way I am usually met with “but don’t you have a boyfriend?” and I have to explain “yes, I am bi.”
Likewise, when I am at Women on Women, which is a discussion group for queer women, I fit in just fine until the moment I say “yeah, my boyfriend and I do that all the time.” Suddenly, there is a shift – or at least an awkward pause – and I feel as if I have broken the law. It is only partially alleviated when meekly I tack on “I’m bi.”
Specifically when I am around queer people I feel almost guilty for being bi. I know that most of my queer friends don’t actually think this, but I feel like they are mad that I could pretend to be straight if I wanted to (though generally that is not something I try to do). It’s like they are jealous that if I am with my boyfriend people don’t stare because they just assume I am straight. But if I were dating a girl right now I would be in the same boat as my queer friends even though I like men too. One of my bi friends said it well when she said “it’s even worse with lesbians because with them being bi and dating a guy is like sleeping with the enemy.”
I know it’s unrealistic and idyllic, but I would prefer it if bisexuals could be the liaisons between straights and queers, to bridge the stigma gap that separates people of different sexual orientation. Instead, since we almost fit into each camp we are not allowed to participate fully in either. I don’t claim to know because I am as white as white can be, but sometimes I wonder if being bisexual is all that different than being biracial in some ways.
Anyway, I wish I had a better closing (maybe I will think of one later). These are just some things I have been thinking about of late and I thought I would share.
Labels: bisexuality
I haven’t written anything about it here, but a lot of things have been going on in my life lately:
Mid-December, I was told that a girl I knew in high school – Bethany Swift – died in a car accident. Bethany and I weren’t close, she was a year behind me in school, but we knew each other pretty well. My school was small and we kind of ran in the same circles. Her death really shook me up. She was the first person I knew who died besides my great-grandma. And she was so young and full of life, a really great person with a huge heart. I cried myself to sleep for 3 days.
A little while later, maybe two weeks later, I received the worst phone call of my life thus far. My best guy friend from high school, Josh Lantz, was in a canoeing accident and died. I was hysterical when I got the call. I still don’t know why I screamed like I did. The next day I booked a flight home to
Josh’s death was devastating to me. I loved him so much. We had plans to hang out over Christmas break. I’m not even close to being okay about it yet. I am really angry that he went canoeing in flood waters when there was snow on the ground. I’m so sad that I won’t get to see him again. I just wish that I could see him one more time, get one more hug. I wish that I could talk to him about how hard things have been. He was always so happy on the outside, but he knew loneliness. He knew what its like to helplessly watch your family fall apart. And he was always the best person to talk to.
I’m crying right now writing this. I miss him so much.
A day after Josh died, my friend Kelsey was in a freak car accident. I don’t know what I would have done if she had died. I am so thankful that she is okay and that she is making such a speedy recovery to normalcy. Kelsey and I aren’t very close anymore, but we were best friends in high school. There was a year where we saw each other every day in class then every weekend too. In the accident, her car rolled over her in a snow storm and she was stuck under it for hours. Finally, someone saw her and called for help – but when the fire truck arrived it slid on some ice and hit the car that she was trapped under. Its really a miracle that she is alive. I am so glad that she is alive.
Christmas break was weird for me. It was good to be at home. I visited Kelsey, I had a party, I saw some friends from school. I spent a lot of time with my family. It was a healing time, but it was also a really sad time because Josh wasn’t around and Kelsey was in the hospital. And my mom and step-dad didn’t really seem okay… they put on a show, but Mom especially made me a little uneasy…
So I shouldn’t have been surprised that about 3 weeks into the new semester Mom called me to tell me that she and Dad (Bob, my step-dad, whom I have called “Dad” since I was 9 or 10) are getting a divorce. When she called me the first time, I wasn’t around so she left a message to call her. For some reason I thought that it was going to be bad news, and I told my boyfriend so. He thought I was being paranoid only because I am still shaken up about Josh, but it turns out that I was right. Maybe I could tell by my mom’s voice. She isn’t very good at hiding secrets.
This is my mom’s 3rd divorce, so maybe I shouldn’t be too upset. But Mom and Dad used to be so happy. Dad was something stable in my life since my mom’s first divorce with my father. I mean, I call him “Dad.”
Dad says that he wants to continue playing an active role in my life. In fact, he is coming to
Then, this week, on Wednesday, my friend Tito came into mine and Matt’s room in the morning to talk. I was only half-awake when Tito said that our friend William Wagoner had died. It was a ruptured cerebral aneurysm. He was just sitting in his room, talking to his roommate and lifelong friend, when he had a sudden bad headache and passed out. I didn’t know Will very well, but he was in my life a lot. He hung out with my group of friends and he took science classes with me. He was in my physics class this semester.
Will’s memorial service was yesterday. It was really nice, really uplifting. Will was an incredible guy. He was one of the nicest people I have known, very funny, very smart, and a great athlete. The memorial service was sad, because it was a time to grieve that we won’t be making anymore memories with Will – but it was also a celebration. I left the service thinking that somehow Will had crammed a whole life into just 20 years.
So that is all that has been going on – but how am I dealing with it?
Well, my schoolwork isn’t suffering. In fact, my grades are better this semester than last semester. I am doing my homework 2 days early, attending study groups, and actually understanding chemistry and physics for once (well, at least chemistry). I guess it is just easier to focus on classes than on anything else.
Does this at all affect my belief in God? No. When Josh died my lack of faith was shaken: I caught myself praying a few times. But now I feel as happily far from religion or deity as ever. Very far, and glad about it.
I feel deeply affected by each event that has touched my life these last few months, but it is almost too deep. It is like the turmoil I feel is buried so deep inside that I can just pretend it isn’t there most of the time. It only starts to spill out at night, when Matt is holding me. So I am functioning well… and I might seem normal, or even seem to be doing well.
Maybe I am doing well… considering.
From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agnosticism :
“Strong agnosticism (also called hard agnosticism, closed agnosticism, strict agnosticism, absolute agnosticism)—the view that the question of the existence or nonexistence of god(s) are unknowable by nature or that human beings are ill-equipped to judge the evidence.
Weak agnosticism (also called soft agnosticism, open agnosticism, empirical agnosticism, temporal agnosticism)—the view that the existence or nonexistence of God(s) is currently unknown but is not necessarily unknowable, therefore one will withhold judgment until/if more evidence is available.
Apathetic agnosticism—the view that there is no proof of either the existence or nonexistence of God(s), but since any God(s) that may exist appear unconcerned for the universe or the welfare of its inhabitants, the question is largely academic anyway.
Non-practicing agnosticism—the view that there is no proof of either existence or nonexistence of God(s), and that it's meaningless to care.
Ignosticism—the view that the concept of God(s) as a being is meaningless because it has no verifiable consequences, therefore it cannot be usefully discussed as having existence or nonexistence. (See scientific method)
Model agnosticism—the view that philosophical and metaphysical questions are not ultimately verifiable but that a model of malleable assumption should be built upon rational thought. This branch of agnosticism does not focus on a deity's existence.
Agnostic theism (also called religious agnosticism)—the view of those who do not claim to know existence of God(s), but still believe in such an existence. (See Knowledge vs. Beliefs)
Agnostic spiritualism—the view that there may or may not be a God(s), while maintaining a general personal belief in a spiritual aspect of reality, particularly without distinct religious basis, or adherence to any established doctrine or dogma.
Relative Agnosticism—This is similar to Agnostic spiritualism, but with the added view that if it was empirically proven that God(s) do or do not exist, it would not affect the beliefs of the Relative Agnostic.
Agnostic atheism—the view of those who do not know of the existence or nonexistence of god(s), and do not believe in god(s).[2] ”
On a whim, I spent several hours today researching the religions of the world. I read about ancient and new sects of Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, and Paganism. Then I read about more than a dozen “NMR’s.”
NMR’s are New Religious Movements. All of them were started in the last 50 years, and I was surprised by how many of them might as well be cults. In fact, it made me question the qualification of a cult, if these “religions” were indeed not cults.
Cults aside, some of the NMR’s were reconstructions of dead religions (like ancient Celtic paganism), some were strikingly similar to existing religions (think church denominations), and some were just plain silly/fun. Wikipedia actually has a whole section of the “List of Religions” website dedicated to parody or mock religions. Have you ever heard of the Church of the SubGenius? Me neither.
Of all of the religions only two appealed to me: Judaism and Bahá'í. Unfortunately, the Jews are too damned exclusive for me to become one and the Bahá'í faith isn’t easy for me to just believe (though I think their teachings, goals, and execution of goals are very admirable).
So I will continue to identify myself as “agnostic,” from a (which means “not”) and gnostic (which means “knowing”). Yep, I am not-knowing. And existentialist... but I will save that conversation for another day.
But which type of agnostic am I? Strong agnosticism has its appeal. It is just so pure: “We can’t know, so why try?” But non-practicing agnosticism is fun too: “Nothing has convinced me yet, so why care?” It is perfect for lazy and depressed days, those days when you don’t particularly care if a bus hits you or not. Model agnosticism, which does not refer particularly to belief in God, is beautifully scientific. In many ways I approach everything in the world with a truly agnostic viewpoint, so why should I approach belief in God any differently? But, ultimately, agnostic atheism is the most appropriate type of agnosticism for my view on the existence of God: “I don’t know whether there is a god so I don’t believe in god.” And, since I don’t believe in God (or any god), I choose to actively avoid participation in religion. Specifically Christianity with all of its annoyingly bickering sects, but also the Bahá'í Faith.
And that, my friends, is that.
I first learned about Mary the Neuroscientist in my college Civilization class, second semester of my freshman year.
The entire Civ course was interesting: the curriculum consisted of “great books,” songs, movie clips, philosophy, art, and discussion – all of which came together for a common goal that can only be described as “how to figure out what you think.” Questions were asked, and answers were proposed and argued by students, but no “right” conclusions were reached. In fact, no conclusions were “reached.” It was refreshing because there was no political goal or religious/non-religious bent. It was just college kids from around the world thinking out loud in response to the thoughts of great thinkers before us.
I think my favorite part of the class, though, was the writing assignments. Class was an interactive sounding board, but the essays were a place to coherently piece together where my mind was going. We could choose basically any topic, refer to or respond to any bit of reading or class conversation, and just explain. The writing could be as formal or informal and as long or short as necessary. We weren’t even forced to “pick a side and argue it,” like I have been instructed to do so many times before.
And – after the writing process (which was beneficial by itself) – the professor, Professor Valenza, would read the essay carefully and write a response. He commented on strong points or holes in reasoning and offered “devil’s advocate” viewpoints of the side not-taken. Professor Valenza is a favorite at the college, so I suppose I am not the only student whom he has affected deeply, but he also provided me with careful insights as to why I might think the way I do.
Now my close Christian friends may jump to say he is pushing some secular, intellectual, and liberal worldview. After all, didn’t teachers at my high school warn us that non-Christian, liberal arts schools on the coasts (mine, defined) all have an atheist agenda to push? But (maybe surprisingly) Professor Valenza seemed to do almost the opposite. He pointed out that my violent emotional response to anything religious is only a defense-mechanism aimed to protect myself from things/people that have almost nothing to do with what I hate. He pointed out that maybe I am running away from everything I am and want to be only to make a point. And that maybe I am only hurting myself with my strictly-enforced thinking patterns – thinking patterns that in many ways are more narrow and non-negotiable than the thoughts I had when I “was a Christian.” (Note: he didn’t use such straightforward and harsh words, but we talked many times and his good points can be summed up like that. I probably wouldn’t have listened to him if he had just told me straight-out. I am too stubborn to just take good advice as it is offered.)
You might be thinking, “What does Mary the Neuroscientist have to do with any of this?” Well, first of all, I am a neuroscience major. And I like to make myself think like a good neuroscientist (strictly physicalistic – believing that nothing exists that cannot be measured scientifically, including God and souls). So when I would say something particularly neuroscientist-like Professor Valenza would often make some reference to Mary the Neuroscientist, and how I am like her.
If you don’t know about Mary the Neuroscientist then you might not know that being like her isn’t actually a good thing. Mary is a pretend neuroscientist (a fictional character created by a philosopher) that grows up in a black and white room, where nothing is in color. But in this room she, supposedly, learns everything there is to know about the world and about neuroscience according to the strictly physical mindset. This would mean that she could understand what and how humans perceive everything, because this can be learned by studying neuroscience. But one day, Mary leaves the room and sees color. Instantly she learns that she can’t know everything by study. She can only understand the perception of color by experiencing color first-hand. All her life she was missing the first-person relationship with color.
It would seem silly that I would suddenly not believe in God, because there were times in my life when I truly [thought that I] experienced God first-hand. There were times when I knew that I had a spirit or a soul and that it was at odds with my mind and the physical world around me. It would seem silly that I would suddenly pretend I never had those experiences and that I would be so pompous and close-minded as to believe that nothing existed except for what I can test scientifically. But I have chosen that. And so I am like Mary the Neuroscientist, but worse. She was merely ignorant. I seem to be stupid instead.
Now that my stupidity has been pointed out to me, and (more importantly) now that I am acknowledging that my worldview might be flawed – however comfortable – I feel hard-pressed to look at the world around me with a broader scope. After all, narrow-minded religiousness pisses me off… why shouldn’t narrow-minded physicalism do the same?
Labels: mary the neuroscientist, philosophy, religion